I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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