Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize