theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize