eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
