Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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