I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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