Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
