She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
