So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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