Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Text me some of your sweat
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
