do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
