a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
