Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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