He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
