I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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