life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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