Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
