His pubic hair was longer than his dick
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
