i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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