after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize