I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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