I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
