I think I died a long time ago.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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