K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
