i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
