I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
