omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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