if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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