There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
