If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
