he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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