im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
