I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
