pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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