Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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