I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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