I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
