so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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