FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize