I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
