She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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