Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
