I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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