you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
