Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
