My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
