Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
