I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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