one word: firstdatebathroomanal
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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