Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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