I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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