8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The best revenge is premature balding
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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