Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
