I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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