Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
