I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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