see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
