So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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